A Demon’s Guide To Surviving The Human World
by Sakura Sango
Summary: New demons entering the Human world must read this informative guide before venturing out. So come and read...
1. Introduction

Hello and welcome to 'A Demon's Guide To Surviving The Human World.' We are happy that you have decided to purchase us before making the giant leap to the unpredictable and often scary Human World.

With the help of a normal demon (whom we will shall Hiei), a half-breed (named Yusuke), a demon in disguise (whom we shall call Kurama), and a normal human (so called Kuwabara here) we will examine the right and wrong ways to interact with such a primitive animal.

Please feel free to follow this demon :cough:_victim:_:cough: as we show both sides.

All chapters are short and hopefully to the point. Please inform us if they are not (we will be sure to look at your replies then proceed to burn them).

Also for your viewing pleasure we have included clear color pictures. But due to the lack of technology that these 'creatures'- called humans- have the pictures refused to show, so we hope that all those who cannot read will still be able to enjoy and learn from this book. (We have included very graphic details that will enable them to see what is happening to our victim).

Anyways good luck with your ventures, and please be sure to read all of these chapters before venturing out. Also fill out the response cards (located at the purple button) to tell us how our book has helped you.

Continue on to chapter one…

Have questions that you hope that this book will answer? Feel free to ask them, maybe our book will cover them...


	2. Chapter 1 Moving Metal Deathtraps

_**Lesson 1 Moving metal deathtraps**_

:_cue scary music and cheezy lightning_:

Hello and welcome to your first lesson. This lesson will help teach you how to avoid dying on the very first day.

First we need our average demon, Hiei!

With a puff of smoke a peed-off coughing black clad demon appears.

"I am being paid extra for this right!" He shouts while grabbing for his katana.

_Shut up and stand still will ya or else I'll sic fluffy pink kittens on you._

Meeping Hiei holds still.

Ahem, Ok today's lesson will help you to not die one the very first day. We shall learn all about moving metal deathtraps, commonly known as vehicles. These can include anything from tiny cars to huge semis.

Hiei sighs as he stares ahead bored.

These vehicles are known for driving on the road, though every now and then you'll be lucky enough to see one drive on the sidewalk.

But _we_ will worry about the road driving ones. First we need our average demon to stand in the street.

Hiei stares at the authoress as though her hair was on fire. "Your (censor) kidding right?" Glancing back he growls at the censoring (Hey gotta keep this a 'g' fic right).

As I was saying, first we need our average demon to stand in the street, the authoress proceeds to kick the poor demon out into the road.

Landing on his head Hiei moans, noticing the tiny stars that spin around his head. "Hey lookie stars...I'm famous."

Now this is a street, and this is where all of the _ve-hi-cl-es_ go and once you make that all too important jump into the human world this is the one place you want to make sure your not at.

A dazed Hiei stares at the stars, smiling slightly.

**Honk!**

**Hooonk!**

Aww the mating call of these vehicles, now if you happen to hear this sound- you should be careful, the females are aggressive when they are looking for their female mates.

**Hoooooooonk!**

Hiei shakes his head and turns towards the sound, just in time to see the eighteen wheeler semi barrel down the road.

"Aww, (censor)!" Clenching his eyes, Hiei waits for the smack.

**Smack! **(hey we don't wanna disappoint our demon...)

An extremely furious transparent demon stares at his squished body, "Of all of the (censor) things that you hit me with, a (censor)ing (censor) **_semi!_**" Crossing his arms the demon stares, "You had better fix this or else I'll rip out your..."

A large stamp comes out of no where, stamping Hiei's mouth shut leaving the rest of his complaints hidden.

Hehe, right. Anyways here is the end result. You will have died. Be careful when you come to streets, for they are very dangerous.

However these are not the only places you will see such death traps. Hiei's ghost is pulled back into his body. Magically the tiny body becomes unsquished, returning to normal.

Shaking his head Hiei looks around, bending every joint, and counting every finger, toe, and eye. Seeming pleased Hiei nodded lightly at the authoress.

**Hoooonk!**

Turning Hiei realizes that he is still sitting in the middle of the street.

"Aw, (censor)!"

**Smack!**

Hiei's poor body is hit once again, this time by a city bus. Sighing the authoress smacks her head, her point being proved once again. Once again she revives the poor demon, being sure to pull him from the road.

As I was saying before, the road is not always where these things drive. Some may reside below the ground. Grabbing Hiei's hand, she flies below the ground.

After asking for directions five times Hiei falls to tracks that are under the ground.

Moaning again with the rough landing Hiei shakily stands.

Depending where you land there may be track underground with metal deathtraps- called subways. These things are deathtraps in many ways. Supposedly they carry people from one place to another, but they are all too often used for people to sleep in.

Just remember- stay away from lights in tunnels, they never lead to anything good.

As if on cue Hiei turns- just in time to see a light at the end of the tunnel. He stands frozen in the spot, a deer-in-the-headlights-look plastered to his face. "(**Censor**)!"

**Smack!**

A swirly eyed Hiei wobbly floats in the air, "Did anyone get the number of that light." Awakening from his daze the poor demon glances at his body. No longer is it 3-d, the tiny- yet still hot- body of Hiei is now smashed thinner then paper.

Taking a big gasp of air, his face flustered, Hiei proceeds to test out the censoring...

Fifteen minutes later..."(censor)...(censor)...(censor)...(censor)"

Holding a thick notebook the authoress smiles now having a new list of words to use to the drivers of metal deathtraps that happen to cut her off...

Ok once again we will revive the demon...

A glow appears in the distance as the other subway barrels down the tracks. Both the authoress and Hiei notice far too late to do anything about it. All Hiei can do is close his eyes...

"**_(Censooooooooooooooooooooooooooor)_**" He yells as the subway proceeds to smack into his body...

Fed up with constantly reviving the demon the authoress screams her feelings to the retreating subway... "Ya had better run ya vile (censor) (censor) (censor) (censor)!"

Realizing that she has broken the first rule she clamps her mouth shut and once again revives the smashed demon, and once again pulls him from the tracks before and _early _subs decide to come.

So what did we learn today...

"That getting hit hurts like a son of a (censor)."

Yes, that too. But we also learned to stay off of roads, and tracks, and that our demon friend here has a dirty mouth...

"So does the authoress..."

AND so as always please feel free to let us know how we are doing on our job, for we want to be sure that we save as many demonic lives as possible...

Hiei glares before cracking up (especially after 'dying' 4 times so far)...

Please be sure to continue onto chapter 2.

And a once in a lifetime offer- You can own the un-censored version for 30 easy payments of 29.99... just send your check, credit card or cash to 666 OMGIMRICH.


	3. Chapter 2 Taking a Human Form

First of all thank you all of you demons and human alike (sweat drops at the humans that need this book to help them) for filling out the response cards.

So thank you (pulls out glasses...uh...) _hColleen_ (yes it's weird that ya don't have subways- I don't either...poor Hiei lets all pity him!); _Krato's Angel _(I'll see if I can get the price lowered a little- how about 899.99); _KitsuneNiBakaSareru_ (:_pushes the authoress out of the way and shouts_: How can you allow this torture! Don't encourage her:_kicks Hiei out of the way_:); _KyokiXKurama_ (We all at Demon's Guide Inc. are happy you enjoyed.);_ KaraKurama _(well if you know about that you may know about this as well...but we shall hit a topic that you don't know soon); _SamiKismet_ (once again at Demon's Guide Inc. we are glad ya like!); _Relick_ (your question is a good one and will be answered soon...like in the next chapter also we had to stop all tests after they were deemed cruel and unusual- apparently nails on a chalk board is wrong.); _Silverwinged-Raven _(Demon's Guide Inc. has never actually thought of this chapter, now we must add it thank you...:_Hiei screams in fear_:); _Serfia Kamay Moto _(Glad ya liked it so far); _Raven Kaedae _(:_stands out of the way of the laughin girl_: Glad ya like); _Black Wolf Jaganshi Lover _(Glad ya like); _Dark Immortal Warrior_ (uh...Demon Guide Inc. is not responsible for any and all injuries received during the reading of this guide...glad ya liked); _Ugly Kitten_ (:_hides her button_: Mine! Glad ya liked!)

_**Lesson 2 Taking A Human Form**_

:_cues cheesy lightning effects, a sword flies out of nowhere breaking the lights_:

Uh...Hiei you have to pay for that.

"(Censor)"

Today's lesson will be helpful considering that you have survived the first few minutes of streets. Unlike our little demon friend here.

Hiei refuses to speak, but instead stands his hands clenched ready to kill the next person to mention the number of 'deaths' he's faced so far.

OK today we need the help of our demon, Hiei starts to cry as he envisions the tortures this lesson calls for. The authoress slowly scoots away from the crying demon unsure of how she should act. Uh, we also need our demon in disguise and a normal human.

Two puffs of smoke and a lean red head appears along with a confused copper headed youth. Kuwabara looks around lost, "What's going on? I was feeding Ekichi when poof I'm here."

Sighing the author tosses the book over too the youth informing him to check out chapter two. Kuwabara does so, his eyes slowly widening. Slamming the book he slowly steps away from the authoress his hands raised in defense.

The authoress decides to ignore the youth, a grin slowly forming on her face.

OK first we need our two demons to change as discussed. Kurama readily agrees and transforms to his demonic nature, making sure to toss his hair a few times. Hiei on the other hand shakes his head and crosses his arms. "No (censor) way."

Sighing the authoress pulls out a thousand watt cattle prod. Holding up the prod the authoress smiles, "Cattle Prods, better then mace. Defend yourself today."

Now Hiei change or suffer my wrath. Hiei shakes his head and sticks out his tongue at the authoress.

Shrugging the authoress zaps Hiei with a thousand watts. Teeth clattering, electricy flowing through the spiked hair, Hiei's skin slowly turns green as thousands of eyes appear. Thank you Hiei.

The smoldering demon slowly growls as he holds out his hands, as though to try to strangle the authoress.

"CAR!" The authoress screams smiling contently as she watches Hiei dive behind Kurama a deer-in-the-headlight look plastered on his face.

Anyways such forms as these two- the authoress proceeds to point to the two demons,whetherr you have fox ears sticking out of your head or a billion eyes all over...

...uh excuse me a second...the authoress walks behind Hiei and pulls back his waistband. Nope, Kimi was wrong, no eyes down there...

Hiei stands wide eyed, "I've been violated." Blinking he shudders at the thoughts that appear.

...ahem...the authoress walks back to her normal place...

As if on cue Kuwabara walks by, calling out for his cat. Seeing Kurama then Hiei Kuwabara screams diving head first for a rock knocking himself out cold. Raising an eye the authoress decides it's best to ignore the antics.

See this is what you'll get and the cops will come and arrest you. And then after about a billion flashes of the mind eraser that the Men In Black have you will get to see a toddlerrulerr...and let's just say it gets worse after that.

So you will have to try to find a human disguise.

But this can go wrong too. If you try too hard, you may become the object of everyone's obsession.

The authoress turns to Kurama her cattle prod pointing at the tallYokoo. Change back, she demands shaking the prodmenacinglyy. Gulping Kurama side glances at the still smoldering Hiei, nodding he quickly changes back to his human self.

Smiling contently the authoress slowly walks over to a giant crate labeled, _Fan Girls/Boys_. Now hidden deep within this box is the reason that you do not want to be too handsome. A loud squeak fills the air as the side to the crate is opened.

Thousands upon thousands of girls and boys- young and old come running out of the crate, Their arms outstretched, squeals of e-bay coming loud and clear.

"Ahh, This is wrong in so many ways! It's like my grandfather is groping me." Kurama tries to shoo away an elderly man that's hanging around too close to his rear end.

Clearing her throat the authoress points to the crowd. Here is the end result. You will have been groped and...the authoress proceeds to raise her voice... your clothes will have been ripped off!

Kurama's eyes widen to the sizes of saucers. "Hey! Don't touch me there! Stop it!"

In a matter of seconds Kurama is standing shaken, his hair disheveled, a major blush on his face as he tries to cover the lack of clothes on his body.

Sighing the authoress hands over a few leaves which Kurama takes willingly.

"Oh (censor)!" Kurama yelps as he looks off to the side.

The authoress- having her curiosity peaking- glances over. Slowly stalking up is a black clad demon, with a silver mask on his face.

Smirking the authoress dons her demon exterminator outfit. What are you doing out of the closet! Get back in there with Jin now! Snatching a whip, she proceeds to chase the demon back to the tiny closet. Locking the door she walks back.

Now where was I...she looks at the blushing fox and fully clothed green skinned Hiei.

Snaps her fingers, of course...

Ahem...Now this is the end result. However, not everyone falls for the tall, thin, elegant looking demons. Some fall for the short, dark haired, mysterious, strong silent types. Pointing the cattle prod at Hiei she urges him to change back.

Still smoldering the defiant demon shakes his head, plumes of smoke escaping his hair. The authoress' eyes widen as she stares at the tiny flame that has started.

Fire! She screams as she grabs her diet Pepsi, proceeding to douse the flame.

Kurama, who is still trying to figure out how to get the handful of Mesquite leaves to work, glances at the soda soaked demon. "I think Kuwabara chose the better way. I defiantly would love to have knocked my self out on that rock." Silently Hiei nods, dark liquid flying every which way.

Sighing Hiei looks at the approaching cattle prod. Deciding that changing back would be less painful, Hiei slowly changes back.

Nodding the authoress puts away her prod, and snatches the katana. We don't need dead bodies for this demonstration.

Walking over to another crate she opens it and watches as the same amount of people run out. A large sweat drop runs down her face as she thousands of mini Kurama's run from the box, followed by thousands of mini Yusuke's.

Uh...Hiei I think fan fiction writers have been at work.

Her eyes widen ten-fold as thousands of mini Hiei's run out. Hey isn't that considered doi... Sighing the authoress shakes her head, I feel sorry for you Hiei!

Sympathy for the tiny fire demon raises within as the authoress grabs a shotgun. OK now you supposedly pull this trigger thing here for the bullets to fly out. Raising the gun up high she fires a warning shot. Joyfully she watches the fan girls, fan boys, and mini Kurama Yusuke and Hiei's scatter.

_**Plop!**_

Glancing behind her the authoress mutters a curse. Well there's another letter from PETA! Sighing she pushes the bird under a rock. None of you saw that right!

Sighing again she turns back. "Oh God! Guys put on some clothes would ya! This is not a stripping contest!"

A sly smile comes to her face as she starts to scribble in her notebook. Now this is a neat idea, but I'll have to find judges...

...realizes that she has gotten off topic once again.

A beat red Hiei slowly walks off...muttering about the thousands of mini Hiei's touching him. No amount of therapy will ever help that poor boy.

Clearing her throat the authoress walks over to the out-cold Kuwabara. Now, pulls the sleeping lad to a standing position, no matter how hard you try there will be evil fan girls, boys, friends and...apparently...er...yourselves that will attack you no matter what.

Sadly this is yet another danger in the human world. But being attacked is better then prison...

...or so I have heard.

OK so did this course help any? Or did it utterly confuse you? Press the tiny purple box and tell me how it's helped you.

Today we have a once in a life time offer a beautiful plastic case with the phrase "Don't Panic" to match the large red lettering on the cover. It comes in all colors and is only 29.99 please call 1-800-lost-me-mind. And allow four thousand years for shipping.


End file.
